I am trying to regain some of my lost creativity. Lately I’ve been feeling like a shell of myself, and it’s probably because I gave so much of my insides away. Most of my friends leave for college next week. I still have 40 days to go; I got my first class assignment yesterday (College 101!), and it doesn’t feel real at all. I’m so excited, but I feel like I won’t ever get there. Underqualified, floundering, somehow less than everything I built myself up to be in my essays. It takes genuine effort to convince myself I deserve to go to college, and that I’m going to have fun when I get there.
I’ve realized that friendship is a two-way street, and that you have to put in effort to make them last. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you notice that you haven’t talked to someone in weeks, and it’s worse when you accept that you haven’t missed them. Worse still are the people you really do miss, who do not miss you at all. That’s what I meant about giving my insides away. I’ve always been this way: when I love something, I love it really really hard, body and soul. It’s how I’ve gotten this far and learned this much, but it’s also what leaves me feeling like half of a person when I wake up in the morning.
High school feels very far away; I can’t imagine ever going back. I do think I’ll miss the little bits and pieces- definitely the random outbursts in class and the camaraderie during AP week. I already miss the people and the laughter and the memories. But I’m ready to go and meet my future. This little space between is the hardest part. I have too much time to think.